


december never felt so wrong (cause you are not where you belong)

by vicbartons



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Christmas, F/M, Five Times, Fluff, M/M, Short references to Aaron´s past abuse, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2017-12-16
Packaged: 2019-02-08 17:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12869388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vicbartons/pseuds/vicbartons
Summary: 5 christmases that aaron and robert spent apart through the years and the one that brought them back together





	december never felt so wrong (cause you are not where you belong)

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is part of this year´s robron christmas calendar. you can find all the other entries [here](https://robronchristmas2017.tumblr.com/)
> 
> title from "winter song" by sara bareilles and ingrid michaelson

**i. 25th of december 2000**  

Robert had always used to love Christmas and if anyone had told him just a couple of weeks ago that one day he would wake up on Christmas morning without feeling giddy and excited and his heart beating twice as fast as usual, he´d told them to do one, because that seemed incomprehensible. Christmas meant waking up to the smell of a full english and the sound of his mother´s voice filling the air as she sung along to Crosby and Sinatra on the radio. It meant that the farm was decked out with ornaments and candles and the misshaped paper stars that Victoria had clumsily cut with her tiny hands. It also meant a bunch of presents, and what sane fourteen year old lad would ever say no to a new Super Mario game (even if he did have to share it with Andy)?

And then his mom had died and he´d had to watch, unable to do a damn thing about it.

And then his dad had been arrested for it.

And now here he was, curled in his bed on Christmas morning, hiding under the covers with no intention of even getting up.

“Robert?” This was the third time in as many minutes that Kathy had called for him. (She´d been stuck on babysitting duty ever since the police had showed up and dragged his dad away). It was almost ten and Robert had spent the past hour lying awake and listening to her rattling on in the kitchen. It was probably already in a state, pans and pots being stirred, Vic dancing around to Wham! and getting her hands all sticky while decorating the last batch of biscuits like it was any other Christmas. Part of Robert wished he was still Victoria´s age, still carefree and far too young to really understand the gravity of the situation. The permanency of it all. That only lasted a second though, before it sunk in that Victoria would grow up with only shotty snippets of memories of her mum at best. At least he was old enough now to really remember her. Treasuring the memories of Sarah he did have seemed to be the only thing keeping him together these past few weeks and the thought of his little sister being denied that comfort made him want to throw up.

That was the moment Kathy chose to call for him for the fourth time.

With a sigh, Robert dragged himself out of bed and put on the pair of jeans and the woolen sweater he´d discarded on his bedroom floor late last night before he slugged downstairs, without even bothering to brush his teeth.

As he arrived at the bottom of the stairs and looked into the sitting room, he realised that he'd been pretty spot on. Kathy was just putting plates on the table, the smell of bacon, eggs and black pudding filling the air while Victoria was sitting on the kitchen counter and carefully moving the last few colourfully decorated biscuits from the baking sheet into a tin. Andy on the other hand was already sitting at the table with his head in his hands, looking as shit as Robert felt.

“Morning,” he grumbled as he scuffed towards his chair, dropping down with a thump. “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Kathy chimed. He´d been up for less than five minutes and her overly cheery tone was already giving him a headache. “Merry Christmas!”

“Mhm.” Robert wasn't feeling the Christmas spirit and he doubted that Kathy was about to change that, so he only gave her an unmotivated nod in response. But Kathy wasn't having it. “Come one now, that's no way to be on Christmas morning,” she grinned, as she filled his plate, “you could at least try for a bit of a smile or Santa's going to have to take all your pressies back.”

“Right,” Robert sighed, looking straight at her for the first time this morning, “I´ll remember that for when I start believing in Santa again and my dad's not rotting in a prison cell anymore, if that's alright with you.”

Kathy´s face fell and she put her hand on Robert´s shoulder, letting her thumb draw small, comforting circles there and it was almost out of instinct that Robert leaned into her touch for a second, imagining his mum in her place. “I´m sorry, Robert,” she said, giving him a tight squeeze before letting go.

“Yeah,” he sighed, “you´re alright.”

He knew what she was doing. Of course he did, and part of him could even appreciate how much effort she was putting into making this Christmas feel as normal as possible to maybe be able to distract the three of them from the fact that their entire life had been turned upside down in a matter of weeks, just in time for the festive season. But a much bigger part of him found it painful to watch her try so hard to overcompensate for everything that had happened.

Nevertheless, Robert tried his hardest to play along, because really, what else was there to do?

After breakfast (which probably had been really good, but Robert hadn´t had the stomach for it, so he´d ended up mostly just poking around in his food with his fork, shuffling beans from one side of the plate to the other, rearranging everything just right so it at least looked like he´d eaten) Kathy had grabbed the presents from under the Christmas tree, setting up a small pile in front of each of the kids. Some of them were from her, most had to have been picked up by Jack in the days before his arrest. Any other year, this would have been a dream. Their father had never been big on gift-giving, money was tight and he wasn't one for sentimentalities anyway, but this year he had gone all out, Kathy seemingly not the only one who´d felt the need to overcompensate for the loss they´d suffered. Only Robert couldn´t find it in himself to get excited about any of it.

With him too lost in his own thoughts to care and Victoria already on the floor, giggling loudly while playing with her new barbie, Andy was the one who ended up thanking Kathy for all of it. The presents, but also for sticking around and taking care of them, because of course he did. He was the family's golden boy after all. All kindness and manners, even when it didn't take a genius to see the fear and anger bubbling under the surface. Robert on the other hand just grumbled along, asking if there really wasn't any chance for them to go visit the prison today, because he felt like at least being able to see his dad might make all of this a little more bearable and settle down the voice in the back of his head that kept on telling him that this was how it was going to be for all Christmases to come. Just the three of them and whatever extended family member would get stuck taking care of them for the day, playing the fake happy family routine.

He couldn't deal with any of this.

He hated the charade, because it wasn't even a well played one. Anyone only had to take one good look at all of their faces to know that no amount of extra turkey stuffing or chocolate was gonna make up for what they had been through. Neither the new pair of sneakers nor the three comic books that he had been begging his mum for for months were going to make up for the fact that he would never see Sarah again or that his dad might spend the rest of his days in a cell. Robert didn´t even want to think about what that´d mean for Vic, Andy and him in the long run. He´d barely been able to wrap his head around what had happened during that barn fire, let alone how things would go, if his dad were to actually go down for it. It wasn't a possibility he wanted to entertain at the moment.

All of them kept mostly to themselves for the next few hours; Andy putting together the lego tractor he´d gotten, Robert with his nose buried deep in his comic and Kathy and Vic playing together on the floor. That was until Kathy figured that they should play a game of Monopoly together to pass the time until dinner. Monopoly was a bad idea on any other day of the year, everyone knew that. That game had the power to destroy even the happiest of families for at least a couple of hours, let alone one that was already falling apart at the seams and consisted of two angry, grieving teenage boys and a six-year-old who could barely sit still long enough to make it through an episode of the Weekenders, let alone a board game focused on property development.

So of course it had ended terribly, with Andy sending all the playing pieces flying across the room as he angrily shoved at the board, screaming that he hated Christmas and just wanted to see his dad, after Robert had forced 2000 quid of rent out of him one too many times and he had drawn yet another card that would have sent him to jail for at least two rounds.

Andy had stamped up into his room with Kathy right behind him, leaving Robert alone at the table to deal with a red-faced Vic, who was getting teary-eyed at the commotion. “You need to get mum, she'll make Andy calm down,” she whispered, her big blue eyes staring at him intently and Robert´s heart broke into a hundred million pieces at the sight of it.

Afterwards, Robert spent a good hour curled up on Victoria´s bed with her wrapped in his arms, trying his best to calm his little sister down. She might not have understood what exactly was happening, but she understood enough to know that things were bad and first and foremost she just desperately missed her parents.

Once he´d gotten her to fall asleep, he tucked her in before carefully sneaking down the stairs, trying his best not to draw any attention to himself as he grabbed his coat from the hall stand. With Kathy nowhere to be seen (probably still with Andy then, he thought) Robert found his way to his father's alcohol cabinet and nicked a bottle of vodka that had just the right size for him to be able to hide it under his jacket in case he was going to run into any of their nagging neighbours on the way. Andy had left their Game Boy lying around on the coffee table, so he grabbed that as well and stuffed it into his pocket before finally leaving the house.

It was only around eight, but this late into december with the village only illuminated by the various Christmas lights their neighbours had hung up for the festive season, he still could barely see his feet in front of him. Robert slowly made his way through the village, his arms wrapped tightly around his middle to brace himself against the cold (and to make sure the bottle of vodka stayed where it was). He hadn't really had a destination in mind when he´d left the house, the need to leave it all behind, if only for a few hours, the only thought on his mind, but somehow he found his way to the graveyard. He sat down on the wet grass with his back against his mom's headstone and pulled out the bottle, after having had a quick look around.

“You´d have a right go at me for this, mum,” Robert sniggered drunkenly a while later, the half-empty bottle balancing between his knees, “wouldn't you?” He'd never been so desperate for one of her lectures in his life. “I'm sorry, you know,” he whispered as he let his head fall back against the cold stone. ”I just miss ya. A lot. And I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do about any of this.”

The problem was that there wasn't really anything he could do. His mom was gone for good and his dad´s future was in the hands of the legal system now. Well, he could at least try to be there for Vic and Andy. Be a good brother to the two of them and try and keep things together at home.

But not tonight.

For now it was just him, Mario and Princess Peach, because saving a beautiful damsel in distress for love, money and glory seemed a lot more appealing to him right now than everything that was waiting back at home. Robert couldn't care less that he´d promised Andy just yesterday that he could have the Game Boy for the evening.

 

  
**ii. 25th of december 2002**

9am, that's how long Aaron had lasted. An hour and a half from waking up, before he´d fled the house, the angry screams of his father following him out of the door and down the street. Just enough time to get some orange juice and a piece of toast down him.

He should have expected this, really. There had been a fight brewing for the past week or so, what, with it being Liv´s very first Christmas and both Sandra and his dad faffing about like they´d lost their heads, stressing themselves out about making everything perfect. Like a 10-months old would even remember any of it. Nevertheless, Aaron had tried, he really had. He loved Liv and wanted to be a good brother to her, and even more importantly, he didn't want to risk getting on his father's wrong side ever again, because if he did, Aaron wasn't sure he could handle it. Still, it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, it was never enough. Not in his father's eyes at least.

It had all started with Aaron asking his dad for some new football kit about a week ago. He had grown out of most of his old stuff, and now his shirt was sitting too tightly across his chest and his shorts came up way above his knees. He was still wearing it to training, mind, so the other boys had started to take the piss out of him, asking him why he was wearing his baby sister´s kit. Aaron needed to nip their mocking in the bud before he went and did something stupid, like punch Patrick McAlister, their midfielder, straight into his big gob to make him shut up. He´d tried to explain all this to his dad, arguing that with Christmas coming up that maybe that could be his present. He wouldn't need anything else. But Gordon hadn´t taken it well. His face had grown red as he´d gone off on one about him being greedy and money being tight. As if Aaron hadn´t found a big pile of presents for Liv and a velvet box that he could only assume held jewelry for Sandra hidden away in the box room just a few days prior while looking for a ball pump.

Aaron had been upset, but he´d just sucked it up, unwilling to make things worse by letting his emotions show.

But things had only gotten worse from there on out.

First, he´d been late for dinner after his bus home from a mate's place had gotten stuck on a snowy road for a bit. The next day he´d forgotten to put a teabag into the pot while helping Sandra make breakfast. The last straw had been a stupid silver Christmas bauble with a stupidly grinning blonde angel printed onto it. When Aaron woke up this morning, he´d found Sandra in the sitting room, putting the last of the Christmas decorations on their tree. Aaron had gone to help her, desperate to make himself useful. He´d taken the baubles off of her to give her a chance of to sit down with Liv for a bit. It had been nice, him and Sandra chatting for a bit, while his father was still nowhere to be seen. He'd been working quickly, happily bobbing his head to one of the Christmas songs playing on the radio, when he´d tripped over the cable of their fairy lights and the bauble had splintered into a million tiny pieces on their hardwood floors. A second later, Gordon had stormed down the stairs, screaming about them never being able to keep quiet and him not even getting a proper kip on Christmas Day.

Sandra had been kind, had tried to calm her husband down, but she never tried hard enough and Aaron couldn't blame her for it. Not when he saw Liv sleeping in her arms. She was right to be scared. Aaron was after all. He was terrified and he had no idea how to ever make it stop.

It wasn't what Aaron was doing that was the problem. It was Aaron himself. Aaron was always the problem in Gordon´s eyes and no amount of good behaviour would ever fix that.

So that was why Aaron ended up at his usual spot at 10am on Christmas Day. All alone and with his cheek still red and stinging where Gordon had hit him. His “usual spot” was a little shed behind the local gym, where him and the lads hung out after school on the regular. Over time, they´d brought over a couple of pillows and blankets from their respective homes to make the cold draft a little more bearable. But even huddled under them, it was still brass monkeys in there, and Aaron couldn't help but shiver. Luckily, they also used one of the shed´s loose floorboards to stash away a pack of Marlboros and some cheap vodka. The latter tasted like hogwash, if you asked Aaron, but at least it would help him warm up.

Sitting there in the cold, skimming through one of the dirty mags one of the older lads must have left lying around, Aaron wished he could just pack up and leave home. Get out and start new somewhere else. But at ten years old, it wasn't like he stood much of a chance. No sane person would give him a job and as much as he hated being home, it was still preferable to living on the street. Of course, he could go and look for his poor-excuse for a mother. But if the things his dad did to him were any indication of how parents who wanted their children treated their offspring, Aaron was pretty sure he didn't want to find out what one who apparently had hated him so much that she couldn't even stand to live in the same house as him would do.

So he'd be on his way back to Gordon´s. Tomorrow at the latest.

He pulled out his phone and thought about calling up one of his mates. It wasn't like any of them gave a toss about Christmas or their families, so at least one of them would be bound to be out and about and up for a bit of mischief or at least some banter and booze.

But that could wait. For now he just wanted to stew on his own for a while and beat the next level of Snake.

 

**iii. 24th of december 2013**

Robert was leaning against one of the high tables in the foyer, entertaining a few of their guests, one hand around the stem of his champagne flute, the other casually pressed against the shoulder of the wife of one of their clients, charm oozing from every pore of his body . He loved nights like this, when the entire ground floor of their London mansion was decked out with lights, fir branches, red baubles and winter roses, people in fancy dress  filling the hall around the imposing christmas tree in its middle, every single one of their guests flocking around him and Chrissie, desperate to express their gratitude for an invitation and for some attention from the charming lord and lady of the manor. Robert lived for time in the spotlight, for the envious looks the men gave him when he let his arm casually fall around Chrissie´s waist, as well as the way the women (and a lot of the men) would let their eyes wander over his body in the tailored three-piece Armani suit that Chrissie had gotten him especially for this occasion.

The Christmas Eve party had been Chrissie´s idea. She was always happy to schmooze client´s with a lavish get together, hoping that the combination of live music, expensive food and the general air of class and expensiveness that their home exuded would impress and intimidate them in equal measure. It also distracted her from the fact that Lucky had run off to spend the days leading up to Christmas at a friend's place after they´d had a massive bust-up a week prior. (Robert still couldn't quite believe that the little pest actually had a friend. Let alone someone who'd willingly share their room with him for a week. Not that he´d ever dare to say that out loud.) It hadn't taken much to get Lawrence on board with the idea either, since he was never able to say no to his eldest daughter anyway and was probably happy that he wouldn't have to spend the evening playing happy family with Robert sitting next to him at the dinner table.

Now Chrissie and Robert were both mingling, a task Robert usually excelled at. But the two grey-haired business men he´d been stuck in painful smalltalk with for the past half an hour were seriously testing his patience and even the suggestive wink Chrissie gave him across the room after seeing the precarious, but all too familiar situation that her fiancé had found himself stuck in failed to make his current company more bearable.

That's when he felt his phone vibrate in the inside pocket of his suit jacket. Happy to finally have a reasons to drag himself away from the dull conversation, he put down the champagne, pulled the phone out and excused himself from his company. But his momentary happiness only lasted a moment, until he saw the name blinking on the display. With a sigh, he pressed the accept button, knowing full-well that this particular phone call would in all likelihood end up being even more unpleasant than the conversation he´d just gotten out of.

“Vic,” he answered, as he shuffled his way through the crowd in their foyer towards the front door.

“He lives then,” his little sister sounded utterly unimpressed and he could hardly blame her, considering that he'd been ignoring a whole flood of WhatsApp messages, five calls, two voicemails and even an e-mail from her over the past week.

“I´m sorry, things have been busy here,” Robert tried to explain, even though that was a lot of bull, since Chrissie had taken care of all the organisational tasks regarding the party and hadn't wanted him to stick his nose in. So he´d spent most of the past week running errands and keeping out of the way of the help. “We're having a big business do, you know, Lawrence is trying to impress them all with goody bags and a firework,” he clarified, never able to stop himself from showing off even in the most inappropriate moments.

“Right, course you are,” Victoria sighed, “That´s a no to the invitation for tea tomorrow then, isn't it?” Bitterness wasn't really something Robert ever associated with his bubbly, overly positive little sister, but her tone seeped of it now. “Again?”

Robert pulled open the heavy wooden door and was hit with the cold december air. “You know I'd love to, but-” Victoria wouldn't even let him finish that sentence.  “Oh come off it, Robert,” she snapped, “if you wanted to be here, you´d be here.”

She wasn't wrong.

“I´m sorry. It´s complicated,” Robert tried to explain anyway, wrapping his arm around himself as protection against the freezing wind, ”you know that.”

“It really isn´t. You and Andy just need to get over yourselves. It´s been years,” Victoria noted, annoyance clear in her voice.

It wasn't just Andy though that kept Robert from going back. He was just the metaphorical elephant in the room. An easy out when he had to explain to Diane and Victoria why he had to give yet another family dinner a miss. Sure, a reunion with his adopted brother wasn't exactly something that Robert was looking forward to, but it was the village as a whole and everything that came with it that he didn't want anything to do with anymore. It was all so small. A small life, allowing only for small dreams. That wasn't who Robert was anymore. He´d gotten out and truly made something out of himself and as tempting as the idea of going back to rub his success in the faces of all the people who´d never believed in him growing up might have been at times, it still wasn't worth it. Because deep down Robert knew that the moment he´d pass the town sign that black hole would do what it had always done: Suck the oxygen right out of his lungs and make him feel useless and small, like he still had something to prove. (And then there was the minor problem that the one person he ever really wanted to prove something to wasn't around to watch him gloat anymore anyway. Robert didn't really allow himself to think about that though.)

“Like Andy would ever-” he started instead, the need to get one over his brother almost a reflex these days.

But Victoria wasn't having it, “don't start,” she said, sounding exasperated and Robert couldn't even blame her for it, ”I don't want to hear it. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother inviting you anymore.” So did Robert, if he was being completely honest. He both loved and hated her for her persistence.

There was a short pause then, both siblings feeling like their conversation had reached a dead end, one they´d found themselves in so many times before.

It was Robert who spoke up first. “Right, sorry,” he mumbled and almost meant it.

“Don't be sorry, “ Vic answered, “just come visit. Or let me come up to London, maybe bring Diane-”

Definitely not.

“I don't think that'd be a good idea, Vic.” Robert had his reasons for keeping his old and his new life separate. Emmerdale and Vic and Diane and Andy and his parents, all of that and especially the version of Robert they knew, were tucked away in a tiny box in a corner of his mind that had collected dust over the years, never meant to be dragged out or opened up again, and he had every intention of keeping it that way.

Not that his little sister's loving voice on the phone made that particularly easy. “I just miss ya,” she pleaded, “We all do.”

“´All´ seems like a bit of an exagger-”

“Robert.”

He sighed and sat down on the cold steps that led into the driveway, the back of his head pressed against the stone railing.  “I miss you, too,” Robert said as a sinking feeling settled into his stomach, “you know that,” he added gingerly, his voice low.

That seemed to appease Victoria somewhat. “Fine,” she mumbled, “yeah.” She hesitated for a moment before her voice dropped a little as well and she spoke softer, “Merry Christmas, Robert.” He couldn´t keep in the small sniff that escaped his mouth at her words, before he answered her, “Merry Christmas, Vic.”

“At least call Diane tomorrow. Please?”

“Will do,” he huffed, trying hard to conceal how much this was affecting him. He knew he was doing the right thing, but even after all this time, letting Victoria down always felt like a punch to the gut and the voice in the back of his head that sounded disturbingly similar to his father, telling him that she was used to it by now and didn't expect anything else from her disappointment of a brother wasn't helping either.

“Bye then, Rob.”

“Bye.”

She hung up before he could make up his mind about whether or not to tell her he loved her and whether it even mattered anymore.

He was still sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands, trying to get his head back in the game before heading inside again when the doors behind him opened and their guests started to drunkenly stumble out into the driveway, ready for the firework spectacle that Lawrence and Chrisse had promised them.

The last thing Robert needed tonight was for anyone to catch him slumped on the ground like some pathetic heap of misery, so he quickly stood up, brushing over the back of his expensive pants with his hands to clean them off and pulled a cigarette out of his back pocket. By the time Chrissie came through the door, wrapped into a bright red cashmere coat and driving the crowd in front of her out onto the driveway like cattle, he was leisurely leaning against the railing, with his best fake smile plastered on his face and the burning cigarette in hand.

She grinned back at him when she caught his sight and made her way over to him swiftly. “Merry Christmas, babe,” Chrissie whispered as she threw her arms around his neck and pulled him close to press a kiss to Robert´s lips, seemingly happy to ignore the taste of nicotine on his tongue for once. He reciprocated out of reflex, but his heart wasn't in it. He couldn't drag his thoughts away from that stupid village hundreds of miles up north that he was usually so good at ignoring.

Robert really didn't know what was wrong with him.

All of his hard work had finally paid off and he was happy. He didn't need Emmerdale and he didn't need the people he had left behind there. He loved Chrissie. She was perfect, everything he´d ever wanted really. She was gorgeous and smart, with enough rough edges not to bore him (and if she ever did, he had Rebecca to take off the edge) and then there were the massive firm, the money and the prestige that came with being her better half. Robert really just needed to get over himself. This, what he had right here, was everything he´d ever want or need. Robert was meant to live a big life with big dreams, not to spend the next fifty years stuck on a tiny farm, looking after sheep and scraping cow muck off the ground, surrounded by small-minded people.

Maybe it was just nerves, yes, that had to be it. The 18 karat diamond he´d bought three months ago was sitting in a soft velvet box upstairs and burning a hole into his nightstand and the clock was ticking closer and closer to the big surprise proposal he´d planned for New Year´s Eve. Not that Robert was actually worried that she would say no, he was a catch for her and the family in more ways than one and had settled into the role of doting boyfriend and stable, supportive son-in-law-to- be so perfectly, that he deserved a seat at the White´s dinner table for life, but sometimes even the great Robert Sugden couldn't suppress every single average human emotion. Marriage was a big commitment after all and who wouldn't think of the family they´d left behind when they were about to start their own one.  So surely, that´s what was causing the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach. Nerves. What else could it possibly be?

 

**iv. 24th of december 2013**

Aaron still didn't understand what it was about the French and celebrating Christmas a day early.

If it had been up to him, the 24th and the 25th of december would have been all about him, a comfy pair of pyjamas and a box-set filled with some of the best 90's cartoons, but instead he was spending Christmas Eve having dinner with about twenty strangers in a tiny apartment in Vauringard, because according to Adrienne, the idea of him spending Christmas all alone was  utterly “dépriment”. (Aaron didn't really appreciate her calling his life choices depressing, but it's not like she didn't have a point).

Adrienne worked as a receptionist at the garage that Aaron had managed to get hired at just a few weeks after his and Ed's move to France, his lack of language skills luckily irrelevant once he´d convinced the owner that there were few people who knew their way around an engine better than him. The two of them had bonded rather quickly, since she was the only one apart from the boss who spoke fluent english. (The rest of the crew consisted of two blokes twice Aaron´s age who´d never learned and couldn't be bothered to try and communicate with him through their hands and feet beyond what was necessary for the job.)

With Ed spending most nights training or at a game, he´d often found himself working longer hours, appreciating the extra pay but also Adrienne´s company and once he and his boyfriend had been over and done with, she´d taken it upon herself to cheer Aaron up and stop him from turning into a “hermit”, who never left his one-bedroom apartment on the dodgy side of the city and lived off of nothing but take-away and instant ramen, which was how he had ended up at her Christmas get together.

As much as Aaron disliked the idea of being stuck in a room with a bunch of people he´d never met on Christmas, Adrienne had the type of bubbly, genuine personality that made it almost impossible to say no to her, especially when she gave him her best puppy dog eyes and put on a pout (in those moments she always reminded Aaron a lot of Victoria). So he´d agreed to show his face at her party, desperately hoping that he would manage to slip away early and be able to crawl into bed and not leave it again until Christmas Day was over and he could go back to ignoring all the feelings the festive season always brought with it.

Now the clock was already ticking close to eleven. A sure sign that that plan hadn´t worked out at all.

So here he was, stuck between a 21-year old exchange student from Canada who Adrienne had apparently met at a Zumba class and Jacques, his colleague's elderly uncle, who only spoke very broken english but had once spent a semester in Newcastle and wouldn't stop going on about that one time he sat just a few rows behind David McCreery, “one of the best midfielders the roast beefs had ever had”, on the train.

Nevertheless, Aaron was enjoying himself, much more so than he´d thought he would. The food was brilliant and the conversation was flowing easily, regardless of the language barrier that kept rearing its head every now and again. But as the night wound down, Aaron ended up alone in an armchair in the corner of the living room, sipping on his beer as he took in the scene around him. The group around the massive dining table that took up most of the room had dispersed a while ago and now the remaining guests were sitting and standing in smaller groups, chatting away, exchanging gifts or playing board games, nibbling on left-over cheese and cake.

It should have felt homely and comfortable, but something wasn't sitting right with Aaron.

The sight of them made him feel incredibly lonely, much more so than he had on any of the nights he´d spent all alone in his tiny flat since the breakup. Regardless of how lovely and welcoming everyone had been, here amidst this crowd of people, he still felt like a stranger on the outside looking in. Alone.

It wasn´t Ed that he missed. By the time they had split, both of them had known that their relationship had far outlasted its sell-by date and as strange as it still was to live in France without him, the feeling of lacking security alone certainly wasn´t enough for Aaron to want him back.

It was home.

No matter the terms he´d left Emmerdale on, seeing Adrienne surrounded by her dearest - uncles and grandmas, her brothers and her little niece - it made him miss his own. Made him long for the few Christmases he got to spend up at Zak and Lisa´s, his mad lot drunkenly singing and screaming and shouting all around him, making him feel more at home and a part of something than he´d ever felt before. Like he was exactly where he was supposed to be for once in his life.

“Weird, not spending Christmas at home though, isn't it?” That's what Melissa (the exchange student) had asked him, “so how come you're not visiting your family over the holidays?” Aaron was well aware that she didn't mean any harm. The question was innocuous enough, perfectly acceptable small talk between to strangers stuck in a foreign country during the ultimate family holiday. What Melissa didn´t know was that unlike for her, it wasn't just a bit of bad luck regarding a delayed Air France flight that was keeping him here, but rather the mess he´d made of things back in Emmerdale and most importantly the warrant out for his arrest.

He grabbed his plate with a piece of Bûche de Noël - technically Jacques´ piece, which he´d slid over to Aaron with a wink after Aaron had downed his own in record time - and found his way onto the balcony, desperate for some fresh air and a bit of peace and quiet.

Aaron slid the glass door shut behind him, what had to be the tenth cover version of Last Christmas playing over the stereo this evening suddenly nothing more than a low hum in the background. As he leaned over the railing, picking on his dessert, he wondered what the people he loved were up to right now. Where Ed was tonight and if at least he was feeling a little happier (because he still wanted that for him, their breakup be damned), if Chas and Paddy were celebrating Christmas together or apart this year, if Charity was already well on her way to getting wasted on Snowballs to get a head start for tomorrow morning...

He stood there for a while, just letting his thoughts wander while he looked upon this strange but beautiful city, that in some ways had truly started to feel like home over these past couple of months but also made him miss Yorkshire more and more with each passing day. The night grew colder and he was just thinking about going back in and facing the rest of the party again, when he heard the click of the glass door behind him being pushed open. “There you are,” Adrienne said, shuffling through the door and onto the small balcony with a grin on her face, her cheeks rosy from the copious amounts of champagne she´d been drinking all night. “Joyeux Noël, mon cher,” she pulled him into a hug and pressed a kiss to both of his cheeks, a french custom that Aaron had only hesitantly gotten used to over his time in Paris.

Almost midnight then.

“Joyeux Noël, Adrienne,” he muttered, his yorkshire accent still as thick and terrible as the day they met. He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his side, mustering his best fake smile. Adrienne leaned into him and let her head rest on his shoulder.

“You know,” she said, her voice warm and filled with something that Aaron could only take as concern, because of course she knew that something wasn't right, “they say that any wish you make while watching le tour eiffel light up at midnight will come true.”

Aaron wasn't one for superstitions, he also was pretty certain that his friend had just made this particular one up on the spot,  but as the two of them looked upon a snow-covered Paris, watching the Eiffel tower light up from afar and cover the streets in a faint yellow glow, he wished that by this time next year he would get to smile without feeling like he was faking it anymore. It couldn't hurt, could it?

  
  
**v. 25th of december 2015**

“Robert, you're almost thirty, not twelve,” Victoria chastised when he excused himself after having stashed his cutlery and dirty plate in the dishwasher, irritation clear on her face.

“Yes, I am, which means I am old enough to do whatever I like,” Robert countered, sounding much like the petulant child he was trying to convince her he´d left behind decades ago. Andy just shook his head at him, but luckily Robert had stopped giving a damn about what his adopted brother thought of him a long time ago. And while the stupid grin on Adam´s face was letting him know that he´d probably take the piss out of him for this one for weeks to come, he couldn´t find it in himself to be bothered when the man himself spent most his working hours up at his mother's farm, yowling and cursing at an X-Box with Aaron attached to his hip like the couple of children they were.

“And it´s called a tradition for a reason, sis.” The fact that it wasn't one he shared with his family didn't make it any less meaningful.

Doctor Who hadn´t been on air when he was growing up and since neither one of their parents had ever gotten into the original series, watching the Christmas special hadn´t been a thing in their house.

It had been at Paul's though.

Robert had met Paul and his girlfriend Hannah at a youth club in London a couple of weeks after his dad had kicked him out. They´d hit it off right away, the two of them just three years older than Robert and all of them not hanging about for any of the youth club activities, but for the central heating and the cheap dinner they gave out every night at six. Hannah had been kicked out by her parents as well, after their second attempt at forcing her through rehab had failed and her mom had found some party drug in a small plastic bag under her mattress while cleaning up. While Robert had always kept well away from drugs, it was the family disappointment aspect of it all that he understood far too well. Hannah had been desperate for something new, and Paul, being the doting boyfriend he was, had sold most of his belongings, bought them a car and driven them into London in hopes of a big adventure. Only that hadn't quite worked out for them. The three of them knew that living out of their cars couldn´t be a long term solution, so they´d made a plan to put all of their money together - all three of them were working underpaid part time jobs at a chinese restaurant, an Asda and a Maplin electronics store respectively - to maybe be able to rent themselves a shitty place in the dodgy part of London. Two weeks later, they moved into a one-room flat, the rent for which used up most of their shared income, but it gave them a roof over their head and with it brought them a sense of togetherness, that made the big but lonely city far more bearable than it had been before.

They didn't have much to fill it with. Just a pull out couch for Paul and Hannah to sleep on, a spare mattress for Robert, a couple of cheap ikea shelves and a tv that Robert had gotten them with his employee discount. Him and Paul had already bonded over their love for Sci Fi and after Paul had gotten over his initial shock upon finding out that Robert had never seen Doctor Who, saturday nights spent binging through his favourite classic episodes as well as watching the new episodes together as they aired became the norm. So when none of them had family to visit over the holidays (or at least none that had any interest in seeing them), they had made their own traditions, just the three of them as their very own little family away from what once was home. And with Paul in the mix, crashing on their couch with its springs sticking out here and there, biscuits on the table and chinese takeout in hand to watch the Doctor Who Christmas Special had been a must.

(Things had ended badly after the couple had realised that both of them were shagging Robert behind the other´s back, but he still treasured the three years they´d had together and wouldn't want to change them for anything.)

“Well, so is having a proper tea with your family,” Victoria chimed in again, snapping him out of his reverie.

“Which we just had, so...”

Victoria just let out an exasperated huff, letting her brother know exactly what she thought of him abandoning the family at the table with a shake of her head. “Aren't you off to Butler´s in a bit anyway?” Robert asked, trying to change the subject as he pulled a packet of Jammy Dodgers out of the cupboard (not his favourite by far, but it felt like the right way to honor Matt Smith´s stint on the show) and poured himself another cup of tea. Vic and Adam only gave him a nod in response. “Great. I'll be fine on my own,” he let her know with a wicked grin on his face. “Almost thirty, remember?” And with that and a wink, he made his way upstairs.

His little sister couldn't help but throw another remark at him though. “I´m gonna wish Moira and her lot a merry Christmas from you then, shall I?” she called up the stairs.

“You do that.” Robert was brilliant at ignoring the passive-aggressive tone in her voice whenever it was directed at him, he had more than enough practice at it after all.

With his hands full, he used his foot to kick the door shut behind him. He leaned his head against it for a second to enjoy the peace and quiet of his usually much hated, depressingly small room. Over the past couple of weeks he´d gotten as used to Adam as he ever would, considering that the guy was a massive slob and trampled up and down the stairs like a horde of elephants and he loved spending time with Vic, still feeling like he had to make up for lost time. But at the end of the day, especially if he'd spent all of it stuck at a table with the two of them as well as Doug and Diane, idly chitchatting and playing board games, he was in desperate need of some time to himself.

By 6 o'clock, Robert was sitting on his bed in his pyjamas, his laptop on his lap, biscuits and tea on his bedside table and the BBC livestream already running, ready for an hour of Doctor Who to distract him from the literal garbage show that his life had turned into over the past couple of months.

As the end credits were rolling, Robert heard his phone pling. Without much thought, he unlocked the screen and opened up WhatsApp, expecting to find a snappy message from Vic or maybe just some Christmas well-wishes from a client or an acquaintance.

Suffice it to say that a text from Aaron of all people was the last thing he´d expected.

For a moment, Robert debated whether or not he should open the chat. Things between them had ended terribly and they hadn't spoken to each other in what felt like forever. So why on earth would Aaron feel the need to contact him now? But then again, unlike his sister, Aaron wasn't one for passive-aggressive text messages. It wasn't his style. If Aaron had a bone to pick with you, he told you to your face. Either with words or with his fists. So this had to be important then, probably scrapyard related, since that was the only connection the two of them shared these days. As much as Robert would have like there to be more.

_“That episode wasn't nearly as bad as you said it would be. A.”_

Robert laughed. A proper belly-laugh that brought tears to his eyes. The kind he hadn't laughed in months.

Of course Aaron was wrong, it had been - I mean, honestly, talk about a typical Moffat retcon - but it didn't seem to matter so much anymore. Not when he knew that Aaron was sitting on the sofa up at Wishing Well, probably surrounded by his whole mad lot, begrudgingly watching tv with the kids and thinking about him. Enough to want to send him a text after weeks of radio silence. Aaron was actually thinking about him. Missing him even, maybe?

When he brought it up two months later, Aaron having dropped in on him at Vic's while he was loafing around on the couch, scrolling through the internet on his phone with an episode of Doctor Who on in the background, the younger man insisted that that text had had nothing to do with missing him. He had just been bored out of his mind and the quick “I told you so” had been rather satisfying after having had to listen to Robert whine about the decreasing quality of his favourite children's Sci Fi show one too many times during their affair.

It's not like Robert needed to know that Aaron had been the one to switch the channel to the BBC at 6pm sharp, to the chagrin of Leo who´d been slowly dozing off to some Disney movie. Nor did he have to know that after having had to watch Gordon sniff around his mom all day - no matter how ruined everything was between them - remembering the last time he was properly happy during a holiday, curled up with Robert on the sofa at Home Farm of all places, had seemed like the safer place for his mind to drift than thoughts of what would be in store for him, if his so-called-father were to make a permanent reappearance in his life. But Robert didn't have to know any of that. He'd been so brilliant with him lately, supporting him, listening to him and most importantly believing him about Gordon. But now they were stuck in this weird place somewhere between friendship and more that sometimes made it hard to function around each other and letting Robert in on stuff like this - admitting to how incredibly happy Aaron had been back when they were still together (in a way) - it would just complicate things further.

Those kind of truths had the power to blur lines that shouldn't be blurred between them, lines that Aaron didn't want to blur, because he knew he wasn't in the right headspace to deal with the repercussions. At least not yet. Maybe someday though.

Hopefully, someday.

 

  
**vi. 25th of december 2017**

Looking back on it now, Aaron felt like he should have appreciated the one proper family Christmas he got to share with Robert and Liv more than he had. Back then, he thought that they had a lifetime of Christmases just like that one ahead of them, so wasting a few minutes here and there to whine about how scratchy and uncomfortable Paddy´s hideous Christmas sweaters were or to bitch about his family's terrible singing voices had seemed insignificant, fun even.

But then everything had fallen apart and now here he was, spending Christmas day sitting in a hospital room faced with the possibility of never even getting to talk to Robert again, let alone celebrating another family holiday. Not that that was something that was really in the cards for them anyway these days. Aaron had forced himself to bury those dreams months and months ago.

“Just-” Aaron started, nothing more than a mumble as his lips were pressed tightly against the back of Robert´s hand. He´d never been one for big, soppy declarations, that was more his husband´s terrain. “Don´t go,” he settled on, whispered it against Robert´s hand with his voice full of desperation, “you promised me fifty more years, remember?”

Robert had broken a lot of promises over these past few months, but Aaron prayed to god - to whoever the hell was willing to listen, really - that he´d get to keep just this one.

Nothing changed though.

There was no grunt, no twitch of a finger, nothing but the steady beep of the ECG.

They had been better lately, slowly building some sort of tentative friendship mostly based on the fact that no matter how hard he tried, Aaron would never be able to keep away from Robert for good. Especially not when he could see him fall apart right in front of his eyes. Whatever had happened between the two of them, he would always care too much to not at least try to help him through when things got bad.

Just this morning they´d run into each other outside of Keeper´s and had a quick chat. Aaron had encouraged Robert to give Rebecca another call, try his chances again, because as majorly as Robert had fucked up, it wasn't right for her to keep Sebastian from him forever, and as much as Aaron hated to admit it, he was certain that Rebecca wouldn´t have it in her heart to deny their son the chance of  knowing his father forever. She was too decent for that.

And Robert had truly seemed better.

In a lot of ways, he wasn't the man Aaron had married in that dirty, cold garage all those months ago. He still looked a little smaller somehow, missing that air of ego and cockiness that used to cling to him like a second skin, but sporting dark circles under his eyes instead, a whiff of sadness that is wasn't Aaron´s place to take away anymore following him wherever he went. But he genuinely seemed to be getting better. Like he was slowly but surely finding a way to be a better version of himself.

A mere fourteen hours later, Aaron found him lying in a ditch next to the road leading up to Home Farm while out on a walk, unconscious, freezing, reeking of alcohol and with blood streaming down the side of his face.

Aaron had known a lot of self-hatred in his life, carrying a bit of it around with him at all times, locked away for the most part now that he was seeing his counsellor regularly and actually working on getting better, but this, seeing Robert lying there broken and lifeless, it made it all flare up again, worse than it had in months. Because how could he not have seen how bad things still were for Robert, when he was the person who knew him best in all the world? The severity of the situation didn't leave him with time to dwell on that then and there though. Instead, stumbling down into the ditch to get to Robert, Aaron called 999 before he sat down on the freezing cold ground where he just pulled the blond into his arms and covered them in his winter coat, desperately hoping to bring some heat back into his ex's body as one of his hands was pressed against the head wound and the other tentatively wrapped around his wrist, feeling for a pulse.

Alcohol poisoning. Head wound. Swelling. Light hypothermia.  

Those were the buzzwords he was given as they rolled Robert into his room at Hotten General after surgery. Aaron wasn't sure what those things meant for Robert, didn´t really care either, as long as the doctors could promise him that he was going to be okay, which of course they couldn´t. The surgery had gone well, was all that the blonde doctor who didn´t look much older than his husband told him, but the next hours would be critical and they'd have to wait for him to wake up to give him a more certain prognosis.

That had been over an hour ago.  

Aaron had called Victoria during the drive in the ambulance, letting the phone ring for a ridiculous amount of time, but still having to try four times before she´d picked up. It had been almost midnight by then after all. It had taken Aaron a while to get the words out. Even then, he hadn't made much sense, his voice panicked and tear-filled, but he´d given Victoria enough of an explanation for his late-night call to get her into her car and onto the highway. She´d begged him to stay at the hospital, unable to bare the thought of her brother being all alone, unconsciousness be damned. Aaron had promised her he would, trying hard not to let it show that the mere fact that Vic thought he would even contemplate to leave Robert on his own in a situation like this had felt like a punch to the gut as he spoke to her. Her words were a nasty reminder of his and Robert´s current relationship status, or more the lack thereof.

She´d called him again half an hour later, crying, to let him know that her, Adam, Diane and Doug were stuck on the Bypass. The wind and storm had brought down an oak that was now blocking the only way she had to reach her brother and they had no idea how long it would take the emergency services to get through the storm, let alone for them to clear the road.

As if their night had not been shit enough already.

Robert had still been in surgery, but Aaron had sworn to her that he'd text her the moment he got an update. He´d let his thumb brush over his ring finger as he spoke, hoping that the gesture would bring him at least a fraction of the comfort it had used to do, back when a silver metal ring had been sitting in that very spot. “Your brother´s far too stubborn to let himself be brought down by a bit of vodka and some snow, Vic. It´s going to be alright,” Aaron had reassured his friend, because that's what Robert would have wanted him to do. He´d heard Diane and Adam agree with him in the background, wishing he had their kind of faith.

So now it was three in the morning, Robert´s family was still stuck in the snow and Aaron didn't dare to move. He hadn't left his seat at Robert´s bedside even once since he´d gotten out of surgery, fobbing off the nurse that had come in twice -  the first time to let him know that it was way past visiting hours and he wasn't immediate family (rudely reminding Aaron once again that simply feeling like someone´s husband and introducing yourself as such upon entering A and E, didn´t make you one in the eyes of the law) and later to at least get him to have a lie down in the family room - with a grunt and the grumpy look he usually only reserved for meetings with his solicitor and Robert, when he wouldn't shut his mouth while TopGear was on. Aaron didn't even dare to fall asleep, in fear of missing Robert wake up. So instead, he fought against his eyes falling shut by taking a sip from the can of coke the nurse had been kind enough to bring him when she came to check up on them the third time around whenever he felt his head slump against his chest.

He let his eyes wander back and forth between Robert´s bruised and battered face and the massive clock hanging above the door. Watched the minutes tick by and just waited. The hands went round in circles as 3am turned into 4am without Robert so much as twitching and Aaron growing more and more worried with every passing second.

At 4:30 a text from Adam came through, telling him that the road was finally clear and they'd be with him in half an hour.

His eyes were solely focused on the message on the screen for a minute, while he tried to get his sleep-deprived brain to form a coherent response. So focused, that he almost missed the faint, but noticeable tug on his finger.

“Robert?”

The blond's eyes were still closed, but Aaron could have sworn that he´d felt-

“´ron?” came the muffled reply from under the respiratory mask and Aaron almost started to cry with relief right then and there. “Hey there, sleepyhead,” he said instead, trying to keep his tone light, because him freaking out was the last thing Robert needed right now. “I´m right here, Robert,” he reassured, feeling his husband´s grip on his hand tighten, “you had a bad fall, but you're going to be alright, okay?”

Slowly, Robert´s eyes opened and there was a faint smile on his lips as his vision focused on Aaron. “What are ya doing ´ere?”, Robert asked, his voice scratchy and low, every syllable a challenge.

Aaron could have told him that he was the one who had found him. That he was still Robert´s emergency contact and it made him feel somewhat responsible for him. That it would have seemed rude to leave. That he was just waiting for Vic to show up. That he could go now that Robert was awake. But those weren't the real reasons and he knew it.

The reason he was still there was the tug he felt at his heart whenever he looked at Robert.

It was the mind-numbing fear he´d felt upon seeing Robert lying in that ditch.

It was the knot in his stomach that had made him feel like he was about to keel over for the past 6 hours finally loosening upon seeing those blue-green eyes stare back at him.

That was why he couldn´t leave.

Because as terrifying as the idea of being with Robert and ruining them both in the process might have been back in the summer, it was nothing compared to the fear he´d felt over the past couple of hours, faced with the possibility of them never getting another chance, of spending the rest of his life without Robert in it.

Aaron didn´t know what Robert wanted, knew that his life was so incredibly complicated right now that maybe he didn't need the added complications that what felt like the 100th try at their relationship would bring, but Aaron did know what he wanted and he was done with forcing himself to pretend that he didn´t.

They weren't fixed, far from it, maybe they would never be, but they´d just been given a chance to at least try and after spending the past few hours at Robert´s bedside, scared to his bones of losing him for good, Aaron knew that he desperately wanted to make that chance count. Because as mad as it was, when everything was said and done, the one fact that remained was that Aaron loved Robert. Always had, always would.

And that just had to be worth something.

So instead of saying any of that, instead of leaving,  Aaron gripped Robert´s hand a little bit tighter. Delicately, he let his trembling hand caress Robert´s bruised cheek. The older man let out a small, blissful grown as his cold fingers reached his hairline where he brushed Robert´s sweat-sticky fringe off his face. Aaron´s heart felt heavy at the realisation how a gesture as simple as this, that would have been casual less than a year ago, suddenly made him feel like he was taking some kind of risk, how fragile their connection felt. There was nothing he wanted more than for this to become familiar and usual again, for him to be able to reach out and touch Robert again without it being of much significance, beyond how utterly at home and settled it made him feel. Without giving his actions a second thought, Aaron leaned in and pressed a kiss to Robert´s forehead, lingering a little longer than was appropriate for ex-husbands. He pulled back a few centimeters, his eyes red and raw after having spent most of the night rubbing at them with the sleeves of his sweater, glassy with tears that he couldn't be bothered to hold back any longer.

“Like I´d ever want to spend another Christmas without you, you git,” he whispered, his voice cracking at the admission. 

 

* * *

 

 

_Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas, when you end up spending it all on your own. It also doesn't feel like Christmas, when you're surrounded by people all day, but end up feeling lonely in the crowd. Christmas doesn't really feel like Christmas until you get to spend it with the one person you love most in the world. (No matter how much of an idiot said person might be.) And sometimes, you end up having the best Christmas you'll ever have in a hospital room smelling of nothing but sanitizer and chlorine without an ornament in sight or a christmas song in earshot, but with the right person holding onto your hand tightly._

 

**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr [@vicbartons](https://vicbartons.tumblr.com/)


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